The difference between your child and the other

Let’s think about six year olds for a moment.

When traveling with a six year old, even mundane outings call for a backpack full of juice boxes, fruit snacks, books, action figures, and a sweater, to ensure that our children are comfortable. A significant trip, such as a day at Disneyland, involves days of preparation to scaffold for what will be a long, exhausting day. Parents schedule snacks and naps to head off meltdowns fueled by sugar and sleep deprivation. We admonish our children to stay near us at all times. We warn them that some of the characters might look more frightening up close, and assure them they do not have to say hello to or take a photo with anyone who makes them uncomfortable. Both child psychology and common sense tell you that a six year old thrust into unfamiliar circumstances, even joyful ones, will experience some level of stress.

Imagine taking your six year old to another country. I frequently have the pleasure of accompanying groups to Mexico to complete service projects. When young children are in the group, parents are proactive in their approach. They anticipate the frustration inherent in encountering a language children don’t understand or speak, and help find ways to communicate. Parents of picky eaters make sure to provide foods they know their children will eat, rather than risking hungry cranky children staring unhappily at unfamiliar foods. Well before they set foot in Mexico, kids have been prepared for people who look or act differently, or sleeping conditions that are unlike those at home. They are expected to negotiate all of this while spending time in a group of strangers. Even the most well-behaved, adaptable, astute child gets overwhelmed at some point, despite their parents being right next to them. They get cranky, or balk at eating, or want some peace and quiet away from the crowd. Parents choose to bring their children on these trips, knowing there will be difficult and challenging moments in a foreign country, because they know at the end of the day, the potential benefits outweigh the uncomfortable parts.
We, as a society, approach our six year olds lovingly and protectively.

This week, various news outlets covered the story of a six year old girl who was sexually abused in an ICE detention center in Arizona. According to reports, she and her mother travelled from Guatemala to the U.S. and presented themselves at the border, seeking asylum. Immigration officials separated them, sending the girl to be housed in Arizona. After reporting abuse by an older child, the young girl was counseled about good and bad touching, and signed a form acknowledging “I understand it’s my responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries with peers/workers” and “I understand that it’s my responsibility to follow the safety plan.” Unable to write her entire name, she signed the document with her initial, “D,” after which officials wrote “tender age” to explain her inability to sign correctly.
Pause to imagine the emotional state of a six year old, a little girl too young to write her entire name, who travelled for months under treacherous conditions to flee violence. She is perhaps reeling from the trauma of the journey, compounded by that of being separated from her mother. Installed in a facility that purports to be responsible for her well-being, she is then sexually abused. Instead of being comforted and soothed, she is asked to assume responsibility for her own safety by “maintaining appropriate boundaries.”

Let’s think about six year olds for a moment.

Let’s frame it with our own children in mind, the same children we meticulously prepare for even a trip to Disneyland because we know that a day at The Happiest Place on Earth is overwhelming and exhausting. It’s not a stretch to imagine that, visiting another country, our tiny ones would struggle with language, food, and sleeping conditions, even by our sides. We know it is neither reasonable nor humane to expect our six year olds to thrive while separated from us with no opportunity for contact. We wouldn’t dream, under any circumstances, of responding to the sexual abuse of one of our own children by requiring her to sign a document that acknowledges her intent to stay away from her abuser.
There are many ways to look at the immigration debate, a spectrum of opinions on who should be allowed to come in and under what circumstances. When we look at six year olds, however, there is no justification to look at them through any lens other than the most humane eyes. Whatever one’s politics, it is egregious to approach child immigrants with any less gentleness and compassion than we employ when preparing our own children for a day at Disneyland.

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