Hey, fat man, put me on the in-between list. I belong somewhere in between the naughty and nice spectrum rather than pigeonholed on one side or the other.
As you read this letter and judge me — flip-flopped feet propped up on a sturdy oak desk in a den built by laborers you probably pay with candy canes and minimum wage (while at the same time refusing to provide dental) — I’m sure your ruddy jowls are turning rosier not because your ho-ho-hoing with delight but because you’re choking on a simmering rage because of having to read through yet another one of my yearly missives.
First, let me get the pleasantries out of the way. How are you? How’s the global warming/climate change working out for you? I’m sure you’ll be able to capitalize on the giant swaths of land that are appearing beneath the quickly melting snow on your property. Rumor has it that President-elect Little Hands wants to build a North Pole luxury community in your neck of the woods and is willing to pay you what he believes is fair market value for your property. I heard that as part of the deal he is also willing to give you a huge tax cut if you move your toy making plant to the United States so sounds like a win-win for the two of you.
Anyway, we both know I don’t believe in you but, as I will with the Other Guy on my deathbed, I’m reaching out to you at this time of year just in case.
We’ve established over the years I don’t like what Christmas/The Holidays have become. Somewhere over time it has become less about celebrating family and friends and more about spending money to demonstrate how much we value one another. And listen, just because I don’t like that you have licensed your image to sell everything from soft drinks to jewelry to cell phones and gadgets doesn’t mean I don’t understand why you do it. A man’s gotta eat and, last I checked, one can’t eat self-respect.
So while I have little regard for the consumerism-in-the-name-of-love you shill for, I do recognize that no man, woman or child escapes the market. But these days I find myself in a quandary and I hope your magical self can help me sort things out.
There was a time when the malls and markets were jammed with people shopping their feet off. For misanthropes those days were distressing. But now most people shop online or stand in automated checkout lines and the number of people finding work during the holidays seems to be dwindling, all in the name of reduced costs and convenience. While misanthropes might be delighted, those with a tiny concern for the welfare of others can’t help but wonder what they should do: shop online to save money and time or spend money in person in the hope of keeping one more parent or kid employed for just a bit longer?
I know you probably don’t have the answer. Nevertheless I’m putting it out there, just in case.
