If therapy, Big Pharma and Hallmark had been around in Isaac’s day, would that have made ancient Father’s Day less awkward?
Dear Abraham,
I’m still not ready to call you Dad but I’m working on it. My therapist says I need to let my anger go, much the way you let me go at the last minute when that “all-powerful” voice in your head told you, “Ha, ha. Just kidding! You don’t need to sacrifice your son to me; any old goat will do.”
Hope you’re still taking the meds and the voice(s) have gone, or at least are saying nice things.
Sorry about this lame Father’s Day card but I never know what to get you because you always say you don’t want anything and I felt weird about getting you that set of steak knives you’ve had your eye on.
Maybe next year I’ll get you season tickets to the Rams (ha, ha!)
Happy Father’s Day!
Your son, Isaac
Isaac isn’t the only larger-than-life figure who could have benefitted from the magic of greeting cards, pills and positive thinking.
Oedipus of Thebes might have had been able to patch things up with his father King Laius. Given that he had killed his dad (and married his own mom and subsequently stabbed out his own eyes), Oedipus, however, would have had to deliver his Father’s Day offering to an unmarked grave somewhere outside the kingdom.
Dad,
I’m reeeallly sorry about that whole killing thing. Had I known you were my dad when we were arguing that one day I would have just turned and walked away.
Ha! Who am I kidding? I probably would have still beat you to a pulp but I definitely would have left you breathing.
My doctor says that in order to get better I need to first acknowledge I have an anger management problem. He is the sixth doctor to tell me that. All the other ones have disappeared so maybe there is something to it.
The doctor says that I’m still harboring resentment over your having left me out in the wilderness because you were scared that I would grow up to kill you. How funny is that? Life is ironic some times.
Anyway, until I can accept that you and I had no control over our actions because it was fate I won’t get any better.
I’m trying.
The couple who adopted me after you abandoned me raised me well and sent me to all the right schools. When I took over your kingdom I was able to grow it significantly (despite a few financial setbacks) and today I’m a huge success. Huge. Massive. Bigger than anything you could ever imagine. And it is all because of you, Dad.
Happy Father’s Day! Say hi to mom for me.
Love, Oedi
