When the couples with kids I know first started fretting about their elf on the shelf and how to properly display it during the holidays, my eyes rolled back so hard they could hear them rattle.
The doll had recently arrived on the Christmas scene. As an emissary of Santa Claus it was supposed to be placed somewhere in the home and children were told it would take note of who was naughty, who was nice and file those reports with the Big Guy in the North Pole. Part of the family fun was the discussion over what to name the little guy.
Doting parents that my friends are, they didn’t seem to warm to my suggestion: rather than Charlie or Ed or Bill, why not name the elf Spook? Or Rat? Stool Pigeon had a nice ring to it.
(That night wasn’t the first time I was reminded I am my own best audience.)
I tried to keep my rant to a minimum that night. I made one snide remark about how perpetuating the elf on shelf as-seer of-all behavior would create a generation of paranoid, conformist wrecks. The Christmas time activity would do more harm than good, I told them.
I was wrong.
Years later I see that Elfie has conditioned a generation of citizens to accept that surveillance no longer has to be covert or questioned — as was the case with the “little bird” or even God.
Now all of the spies and advocates for model behavior can openly watch what we do and we’ll be so accustomed to it that it won’t feel at all creepy or an infringement upon diminishing privacy.
Furthermore, it’s opened up a new market of possibilities and it won’t be too long before I start manufacturing my own set of behavior monitoring toys.
I’ll kick off the line of new dolls with D.A. on the Dais. This little guy or gal will be attired in a dark suit and come with an armload of subpoenas and warrants. Placed in every meeting where there is a public official, the little D.A. will be on the lookout for evidence of corruption or collusion or any other unsavory activity that isn’t in the public’s best interest.
Police are increasingly making use of body cams but they’ll look much better encased in a smiley face doll whose eyes are actually camera lenses.
Dick on a Dashboard will be dressed as a private investigator and adorned with binoculars and camera. Its intended use will be for teen drivers and partners suspected of wayward roaming.
Homeland Housewarmer can go anywhere in the home. This doll will have a variety of outfits, from serious surveilling suits to casual khakis that can be worn while monitoring everyone’s phone conversations and Internet activity.
And for the family that needs an all-encompassing watcher, useful on any occasion and in all kinds of weather, there will be Timmy the Tattling Rat. he goes everywhere. So make room on the shelf, Elf, soon enough you’ll have company.
