The Great Scare of 2014 has given those who are bashful, introverted, misanthropic or just plain lazy an opportunity to be heralded as the smart ones with foresight. It will also be a boon for the drone and rubber industry.
The Scare, of course, is the continued spread of the Ebola virus and the stifled panic it will trigger as more cases — and deaths — are reported in the United States.
Never mind that government and medical experts claim the average person has about a zero chance of contracting the lethal virus. In this age of narcissism and millenial exceptionalism, who among us really considers themselves average?
“If anyone is going to die of an exotic and rare disease, it’s going to be me! Just watch as I Instagram it.”
But for those who are not into social validation or contact the possible spread of a deadly disease presents an opportunity for everyone to adopt a new, life-saving lifestyle we introverts have long practiced: staying at home in your jammies.
Someone knocks at your door passing out campaign literature? Now you don’t have to run and hide, pretending you’re not home. “Sorry!” you call to them from the safety of your couch. “I don’t know if you or anyone you have come in contact with has the Ebola.”
Doctor says you’re fat; diabetes and heart disease will kill you unless you start working out? “Sorry, Doc, I don’t want that muscle head sweating his Ebola on me.”
As more people choose to stay home for fear of contracting The E, new opportunities arise for brash entrepreneurs.
Amazon won’t be the only vendor providing delivery service via drones. Soon enough grocery stores and bakeries will deliver their goods by remote controlled flyers.
Manufacturers of rubber coated hazmat suits will make a killing as consumers demand the best in contamination protection for those rare moments when they must venture outside.
But in all likelihood, fewer people will leave their homes for fear of becoming infected. The infrastructure for this new economy is already in place with telecommuting via smart phone, tablet, text and video messaging.
And with fewer people using the streets to commute, fewer vehicles will be on the road, in turn reducing the amount of carbonmissions; roads will stay pristine longer thus lessening the need for pothole repair —governments can downsize!
Also, with fewer people on the street the likelihood of confrontations between police and protestors diminishes, as do the odds you’ll be mugged while walking to the ATM machine.
In general, life post Scare will be safer and cleaner and the stay-at-home-don’t-talk-to-anyone-crowd will finally be vindicated.
If or when scientists do contain Ebola and the threat of imminent death is eliminated, introverts fear not. Flu season is just around the corner, giving us yet another viable reason to avoid one another.
